Wednesday, July 6, 2011

TOP 9: Kids on every High School sports team

Chances are, if you’ve ever played a High School sport, you’ve come in contact with a fellow athlete who you REALLY wanted to punch in the face. Well, with that thought in mind, I decided to profile each personality you can find on a typical High School sports team. Enjoy.

9. The Workout Freak

Appearance: Wife-beater tank top; buzzed haircut; muscles disproportionate to body; jacked

“Auuuugh!! I just LOVE getting jacked wit’ my homies! Gimmie somma dat pwotin shake dog!”

The Workout freak looks as if he’s good at football. I mean, how could you not if you have the ability to bench two Jose Lopez’s and tiger squat a Walter Jones?

But then practice starts and you realize having Workout Freak as your middle linebacker is a mistake. Thanks to all the various hormones and pills he consumes, WF isn’t right in the head and it seems his only goal is to take anybody’s head off, regardless of what team they are on.

Midway through the season, WF realizes that football requires hitting, which in turn implements bruises on his recently tanned, luxurious biceps. We wouldn’t want that now, would we? This, along with his extremely low attention span, forces WF to return to the weight room and hang up his cleats.

To Continue...

8. The Suck Up

Appearance: Overly perky; very short shorts; headband; wristbands; always 30 water bottles for his coaches; 4.0 student;

“HI COACH! Gee wiz, amazing seeing you here today. Me? Well, I’m just here 90 minutes early to get some extra work in and run laps around the field while smiling.”

Not talented enough to get a starting spot solely because of his athleticism, the Suck Up resorts to what his name implies.

Sucking up to the coaches.

Equipped with knowledge of his coaches' likes and dislikes by stalking them on Facebook, the SU has a plan. Coach Billy likes getting up early, so get to practice early. Coach Tommy loves the Boston Red Sox, so buy as much Boston work out gear as possible. Coach Gary hates little kids, so bring your brother to practice and kick him in the shins. Little things like that (along with Suck Up's parents being the no. 1 boosters of the school) eventually earn Suck Up a starting spot.

Unfortunately for SU, kissing up to the coaches only goes so far, as Suck Up's suckitude eventually is shown on the field. His teammates never pass the ball to him, his own goalie drop kicks the ball at the back of his head, and eventually he falls out of favor with his coach. At this point, Suck Up quits sports and goes back to what he does best: Sucking up to his teachers.

7. The Blame Shifter

Appearance: Fairly athletic; very cocky; insecure; baggy jeans; slightly tipped Yankees cap;

"WHA? Wait, what? My elbow did NOT just clock that guy's face."..."Agh WHAT? A technical? It's his fault for having his face in the way!"

No one likes the Blame Shifter.

He shoots an airball three? Blame it on the lights. He forgets a play? Blame it on that play even being called. He trips? Blame it on even being asked to run.

The Blame Shifter is never wrong, never makes a bad decision. It’s always his teammate’s fault, regardless of the situation.

You can see why no one would like the BS. Why would you? The coaches don’t even like him, but due to his above average athletic ability and decent ball handling skills, his coaches have no choice but to hand him a starting spot.

Doing this brings disaster on the team, as BS doesn’t know what the word “pass” means and wastes a solid three hours of combined time just arguing with the referee on virtually every foul call. Eventually it gets so bad that one of BS’s teammates decides to take matters into his own hands by breaking the Blame Shifter’s ankles, effecting ending his High School sports career. Boom. Roasted.

6. The Over Encouraging kid

Appearance: Chubby; not athletic; usually female; overly perky; very social

“Let’s go ladies! Who cares if we’re down 7-0!! Just try your hardest and have fun!” or “LOVE YOU GURL!”

Whereas some kids play sports to get fit or acquire a college scholarship, the sole reason Over Encouraging Kid is even on the Girl’s Junior Varsity soccer team is to have a fun, social time with her friends.

Whenever a teammate scores an own goal, OEK goes into action. The following scenarios can happen: a) OEK walks over and gives an awkward hug to the down individual and tells them how special they are, b) OEK screams across the soccer field how much she loves them, or c) OEK walks over to give the down individual an awkward hug, but the down individual does not return the hug, rather kick OEK in the knees.

I’ve always hoped c) would somehow happen (on tape preferably), but alas, we don’t live in a perfect world.

5. “I know it all from playing video games” kid

Appearance: Bloodshot eyes; not much else

“Well, clearly from playing ___, I know that you throw to ____ in this situation”

After years of playing Madden NFL, Uncoordinated kid is ready for the big time. Studying the playbook, listening to John Madden’s in-game tips and winning the Super Bowl in Franchise mode have prepared him for this moment.

Trying out for Quarterback.

“Alright guys we’re running HB slash. Wait, what? That’s not a play? Then how about Slants? That’s not one either? 34 sweep waggle right on two? That’s not in Pete Carroll’s playbook! AAAA!”

No matter. The most important part is performing in the game, not before it.

“DANG IT! I’m pressing “X” and this center won’t hike the stupid ball!”… “I see a receiver over the middle, but he doesn’t have a button icon over him! What button do I press?”

Unfortunately for “IKNIAFPVG”K, bringing his PlayStation controller out on the field doesn’t go well with his teammates and coaches, so predictably, he doesn’t make the team. With his confidence crushed, our video game friend goes home and throws out his game system, claiming it doesn’t help him achieve his ultimate goal of becoming an NFL quarterback. Reality bites.

Stare of death
4. The Senior Jerk

Appearance: Taller than you; bigger than you; intimidating; acts like a G;

*intimidating stare*

You don’t talk to Senior Jerk. You don’t look at Senior Jerk. You don’t even breathe in Senior Jerk’s direction. You do, and you’re dead.

Actually, it’s dangerous to even write about Senior Jerk, so I’m just going to stop. Wouldn’t want to anger the fire deep within his merciless soul.

3. The Uncoordinated kid who wants to play quarterback, point guard, or shortstop

Appearance: White; 100 -110 lbs; 5-4; extreme acne; super high shorts; eternal optimist

“Put me in coach. I won’t mess up next time.”

Ah, the Uncoordinated kid who wants to play quarterback, point guard, shortstop, or whatever the most important position on the field is.

Fed garbage like “You’re the best” or “Coach doesn’t know what he’s missing by benching you” by his ear tickling parents all of his life, UKWWTPQPGOS has been led to believe he’s the best athlete in the world. This in turn causes him to have the desire to play the most important position on the field, much to the dismay of his teammates and coaches.

No matter how many times our unsuspecting fellow fails, his spirit is not crushed; because he knows in the back of his mind that he IS the greatest athlete in the world and cannot be defeated. If he’s sent to be a backup punter, then, backup punter is where all the talented players go. Because, y’now, maybe the punter will break his leg, and well, maybe the backup will be needed.

As long as Mom keeps giving UKWWTPQPGOS Capri Sun and orange slices at halftime, his fighting soul cannot be vanquished.

2. The Nudist

Appearance: Naked; always seems to be in the locker room; always takes the best shower head; very outgoing

“Gentlemen, in this locker room, we are one.”

After everyone is finished working out, practicing, etc. and it’s time to head to the locker room, it becomes the Nudist’s time to shine. The locker room is his home, what he loves the most in life. No one outside the team can intrude on him here.

When the Nudist steps in the locker room, he feels as though it’s his duty to lead everyone. And by that, I mean stripping down and proclaiming “to the showers boys!” No one actually has the guts to follow this overzealous lad, but a few have no choice but to take a shower.

In the shower, the Nudist tries to strike up conversations with his fellow teammates. But much to the Nudist’s disappointment, no one seems to be that outgoing, rather it seems as though people are trying to hide or conceal something. Hm. Interesting.

1.The G

Appearance: Nike shoes; Nike headband; Nike shorts; Nike socks; gold necklace; not athletic; cocky

“Duuuuude… CHECK IT. My Nikes are as sick as Bron Bron’s.”

The G has swag. The G has aura. The G has…

No talent.

Yes, we have all been on a team where there’s a kid who has all the right clothes, has the biggest biceps, talks the right talk, and walks a certain way giving off signals he has athletic ability. But when it comes time for the game, he’s as bad as the uncoordinated white guy.

All the G really is a mix of the Senior Jerk, Workout Freak, and the Blame Shifter.

If you suck, don’t act as if you are a talented, athletic superhuman who can dunk on fools. If you want to act like a G, play like a G.

Reach Nathan Parsons at