Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Five Social Media People We Love to Hate

Because I'm sick and tired of these people.

If anything, this article is for my personal pleasure. But hey, you've probably encountered at least one of these obnoxious characters whether it's through Twitter, Facebook, MySpace (*snicker*), YouTube, or whatever.

1. The Complainer

"Today SUCKED. Worst day eveeeeeerrrrrrr!!!!!!!!"

No one cares if you had a bad day. Well, maybe except for your overprotective Mom and over obsessive girlfriend. But seriously, why would we waste a second of our lives reading about your miserable day?

To Continue...

And here's the thing. If you're going to say to everyone that your day sucked, at least explain why. Or more preferably, explain it in an amusing, witty fashion where it entertains us instead of make us wonder why your life sucks at this point. Maybe someone would slightly care of you told us the reason behind this worthless Facebook post.

2. The Ostentatious Mom

“Today, little Billy (did I mention he has a 4.0) comes home from Lacrosse (did I mention he has an athletic scholarship) camp! I love that enthusiastic little boy who brings my life buckets of joy!"

I bet you didn’t know what “ostentatious” meant until you saw the quote. Yeah, I didn’t either; it was just the word of the day on a couple days back so I used it. Meh.

But I digress. Ostentatious Mom can’t go a day without expressing how well her kid is doing in life. If Junior gets an “A” on his test, OM is typing away. If Junior scores a touchdown, expect a tweet. There’s nothing in Junior’s life that’s not documented on the internet.

Now this question arises: Why would OM do such a thing? Well, due to this Mom’s social awkwardness and her friends’ total disinterest in her kid’s accomplishments, she has to resort to Social Media. This way, she can feel as though she’s told all of her friends this VITAL piece of information without having an awkward face to face confrontation.

3. The Serious One

My Facebook post: “Thanks Subway for giving me temporary food poisoning. Appreciate it.”

The Serious One’s comment: “You could be in a 3rd world country and not have a subway and wonder if the water that you drank, gave you some kind of poisoning, take your pick.”

I’m willing to bet this guy doesn’t read this blog. Hopefully not.

My no. 1 rule in Social Media (as if my opinion actually matters): Don’t take it too seriously. Clearly, that’s what happened with the Serious One in this case as I was just trying to be a little sarcastic about some bad meat; but according to him I was taking a shot at Third World Countries.

SO has never laughed once in his life and must take everything personally, regardless of whether the Tweet/Status was directed at him. You joke about Osama bin Laden? That joke is directed at his Mom. You joke about crashing into an old lady? He assumes you ran into his Mom. You make a joke about college? He claims his Mom went to college!

His statuses consist of “Read this article about how this baby that drowned” or “Have you recycled today? Our planet is dying.”

4. The Every Second Tweeter/Status Updater

“Just took a dump” … “That dump was refreshing”… “Toilet paper was fairly soft”… “I love kittens”… “How about you guys? Like taking dumps and kittens?”

This is why I unfollow people on Twitter. No one cares about your every single move and how you feel about every single move. Don't clog up my news feed, jerk.

If someone is a EST/SU (sounds like a disease or something), it tells you a lot about the person... a) They have no life and stare at Facebook all day, b) don't have the ability to talk to you face to face so resort to commenting on each and every one of your posts, and c) likely a Facebook stalker.

And if you don't know what a Facebook stalker is, it's someone who stalks someone on Facebook (I'll be here all night folks). If a female teen posts an album with the title of "2011 CANCUN BEACH PARTY BAAAABYYYY ;), the Facebook stalker is on it. No further explanation is needed.

5. The Quoter

"Love is all we need baby... Now take me to the mountain of floating cactus."
Wait, what?

The Quoter does exactly as it's name implies. Quoter is addicted to movies and songs to the nth degree, knowing every movie she's ever seen by heart. So, to express her entertainment knowledge, every couple hours she'll (notice how I'm say "she", as the Quoter is almost always female) post a movie or song quote that makes no sense whatsoever outside the context of the movie or song.

The following can happen:

1) Someone leaves a comment such as "what" or "confused"' and TQ responds with "WOOoooW!!!1 It's a quote from the 1978 movie "Floating Cactuses on Mars"! Gosh!!!1"

2) Someone leaves a comment such as "GUUURL I love that movie" and TQ and the commenter go back and forth leaving 20 comments that make you regret ever leaving a comment. You now have 20 worthless notifications.

3) Because he doesn't know the quote, a hacker destroys the Quoter's computer by sending a virus.

I've never heard of 3) happening before. Hopefully it happens soon.

Reach Nathan Parsons at