Sunday, April 17, 2011

TOP 9: Bandwagon teams and their fans

Because I was bored and we need a break from the Mariners.

Double chin
9) New York Jets

“Dude! The Jets are going to be sick this year with Braylon Edwards, Mark Sanchez, and L.T.! I hope they eat Tom Brady’s head off! AAAAAAA!!!!!!!”

Being in High school, I can tell you with confidence that the Jets are the most popular NFL team among bandwagoners. I’m pretty sure it’s because Rex Ryan’s sheer fatness and vulgarity, but you could also throw in the fact that they’re a bunch of cocky jerks with the goal of killing all other NFL players. Yeah, that’s probably it.

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8) Detroit Red Wings

“I feel sorry for Detroit. That and this is the only NHL team I’ve ever heard of.”

When the Stanley Cup playoffs start, all the NHL bandwagoners emerge from their hibernation and act like they actually care about hockey. Hey, it doesn’t matter if you live in Dallas and have never been to a single hockey game because when the playoffs start, you’re a Red Hawks fan.

7) North Carolina Basketball

“I hate Duke, well, because they’re Duke."

Your wife always complained that all sports team's colors are ugly, so you introduced her to UNC basketball. She loved the baby blue of UNC. And because of that, she LOVES the team now.

Unfortunately for you, you've got a really weak mindset, so you eventually gave in to your wife's sports preferences.

So, uh, go baby blue.

6) Duke Basketball

“I hate UNC, well, because they’re UNC.”

White B-ball players, FTW.

5) Miami Heat

“YEEEAAHH BOOYY! ‘Bron and D-Wade are my homies! Love ‘em!! They serious ballerz!”

We’re getting into the super annoying fans. The only reason why people like this team is the “big three” (captain obvious, at your service). These fans epitomize the classic NBA fan today: Not really attached to a team, rather single players. Yeah, that means you, (name drop) Mike Schubert.

4) Dallas Cowboys

“DUDE. They’re America’s team. How could you NOT love them?”

Sorry man, but they stopped being America’s team once Tony Romo started to date Jessica Simpson. Oh, wait, and when they started choking. But it’s okay, you can still pretend like Troy Aikmen and Emmitt Smith are still on the team. We understand.

Either you believe all that, or Jerry Jones brainwashed you.

3) Boston Red Sox

“Yankees suck.”

Sure, you could be like most people and be a fan of the hometown team, but why do that? That’s what they expect. That’s what they want you to do. So you’re a Red Sox fan. Not because it’s cool. Not because it’s nice to be the underdog. Not because you hate the Yankees. But because, you know, you’re original like that. You’re an original kind of guy.

You were born and raised in Seattle, but deep down, you’re a Boston fan. You passed through Boston on the way to the airport when you were 4, so that automatically makes you bleed red. No wait, everyone does. But that’s irrelevant.

2) Los Angeles Lakers

“We don’t win it all this year, and I’m going to jump off a cliff.”

Quit freaking out every time you go on a 3-game losing streak. Chill out. We experience a lot worse things than a 3-game losing streak here in Seattle. So quit being selfish. Jerks.

Oh, and for you Sonics “fans” who “converted” to the Lakers, get out of here. No really. Get out. Move to L.A., because we can’t stand you.

1) New York Yankees

“Everyone sucks but us.”

Who cares if you’re an immigrant from Tanzania, you’ve always been a Yankees fan. You don’t know why, but you’ve always just somehow been a die-hard fan! You saw that one game at this one place at this one time, and it was love at first sight. You were listening to that one Jay-Z song about New York, and decided right then they were the the team for you.

You think every other team sucks, and that the Yankees deserve the World Series trophy regardless of the situation. Why?

Well, 'cause they're the Yankees!! That's why!

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