Saturday, April 23, 2011

MARINERS: If you're taking the 2011 Mariners seriously, you've got it all wrong

This season, don't be one of these fans
When I was in elementary school, I loved to mess up games at recess. If some kids were playing a game of basketball, I would run onto the court and punt the ball over the playground fence. If kids were playing kickball, I would just keep fouling the ball off to prolong my at-bat. Now you have to ask this question: Why would I do this?

I messed all those games up because they bored me. I liked the feeling of not having to follow any rules, not having any structure.

For example, the main sport we played at Mack Elementary in Woodinville was soccer. Every day, we would maximize our treasured 15 minutes of freedom by kicking around a leather ball.

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However, by the 6th grade, I became bored of soccer. So, I decided to adapt to the increasing lameness by creating a sport called "stupid ball". The goal of the game was this: get all the soccer balls and mercilessly throw the balls at one unsuspecting boy (because, y'now in the world of an uptight elementary, doing that to girls was prohibited). Yes, it was a heartless game, but due to the increasing boredom of regular playground games, we had to adapt.

So what does this mean in regards to the Mariners?

We all know the Mariners are terrible. And if you think otherwise, you're weirder than the taxpayers who support installing bike lanes as opposed to helping fund a new NBA arena.

With that fact in mind, I pity those of you who continue to take the Mariners seriously.

The Mariners are way too bad for you to expect a win night after night. If you're leaving in the 5th inning because we're losing 10-0, you're missing the point in coming to the game. In the end, the motive in going to Safeco Field is to have fun and enjoy yourself. So if you're not going for that reason and only there because you expect the M's to win 20-0, there's a problem, because that's not going to happen.

Chill out and lower your expectations. You enjoy the game more. If the M's win, it's unexpected and gives you every reason to jump around and be excited. Why not get pumped about a win?

But if the M's lose, get past that. It's what you expected, right? Adapt to the losing like I adapted to those boring recess games. If you're at Safeco, cheer passionately for the Green Hydro. See how little hits we can possibly get. Little, insignificant things like that.

Have fun with sports, because in the end, that's what they're here for. To entertain us.

So if an insignificant loss versus the Detroit Tigers ruins your week, you've got it all wrong. Have fun with your 2011 Mariners, because if you don't, you're in for a long season.

Reach Nathan Parsons at