Tuesday, August 9, 2011

SEAHAWKS: Truly Analyzing the 2011 Schedule

WEEK 1: at San Fransisco 49ers
The 49ers quarterback situation is still in shambles, so Joe Montana comes out of retirement. But he can only do so much at 55.
SEA 27, SF 13 (1-0)

WEEK 2: at Pittsburgh Steelers
James Harrison runs the Seahawks out of stadium with his lame insults.
SEA 6, PIT 34 (1-1)

WEEK 3: Arizona Cardinals
Kevin Kolb realizes how big of a mistake going to Arizona was as Aaron Curry sacks him 12 times while foaming at the mouth.
SEA 23, ARZ 10 (2-1)

To Continue...

WEEK 4: Atlanta Falcons
Matt Ryan decides to go to the Woodland Park Zoo, steal all the falcons, and have them pluck up each Seahawks’ player one by one.
SEA 17, ATL 31 (2-2)

WEEK 5: New York Giants
The Giants step on the Seahawks. (I’ll be here all day, folks.)
SEA 13, NYG 27 (2-3)

While going to get his khaki pants from the dryer’s, Pete Carroll sees T.J. Houshmandzadeh eating trash out of a dumpster.

WEEK 7: at Cleveland Browns
Earl Thomas makes a light hearted white people joke, and Peyton Hillis proceeds to break his face.
SEA 20, CLE 21 (2-4)

WEEK 8: Cincinnati Bengals
Carson Palmer comes out of retirement just to impress his former college coach, Pete Carroll, but throws 6 interceptions.
SEA 32, CIN 13 (3-4)

WEEK 9: at Dallas Cowboys
Demarcus Ware destroys the Seahawks plane as it crashes into an oil well.
SEA 10, DAL 20 (3-5)

WEEK 10: Baltimore Ravens
I have no somewhat witty line for this one. The Ravens are the worst possible match-up for the Seahawks.
SEA 6, BAL 41 (3-6)

WEEK 11: at St. Louis Rams
Los Angeles decides to annex the Rams during the middle of the game. Luckily, all the players escape as the roof gets caved in Kingdome style.
SEA 17, STL 13 (4-6)

WEEK 12: Washington Redskins
Marshawn Lynch decides he has something against politics and obliterates the men from Washington.
SEA 24, WAS 6 (5-6)

WEEK 13: Philadelphia Eagles
Despite blaring “Who let the Dogs Out” through CenturyLink Field’s speakers, Michael Vick lights up the Seahawks.
SEA 23, PHI 42 (5-7)

WEEK 14: St. Louis Rams
Monday Night Football, in Quest Field, vs. our top rival? Forget it. The 12th man brings the noise.
SEA 20, STL 13 (6-7)

WEEK 15: at Chicago Bears
Recently engagement break up man Jay Cutler takes his anger out on the Seahawks. Plus… it’s cold.
SEA 6, CHI 23 (6-8)

WEEK 16: San Fransisco 49ers
With 49-year old Steve Young not working out, the 49ers quarterback situation reaches a crisis. Bring in Trent Dilfer.
SEA 17, SF 13 (7-8)

WEEK 17: Arizona Cardinals
After Cris Collinsworth’s head explodes from a possibility that the Seahawks could win the NFC West AGAIN with a non-winning record, the Seahawks take it to the Cardinals.
SEA 24, ARZ 20 (8-8)

Reach Nathan Parsons at nathanparsons98@yahoo.com